Tuesday, August 26, 2003
I've finally started to do things that I have always wanted to do. And I'm happy. For the first time in my life, I am happy, and lonely at the same time.
The other day, I spent the whole afternoon lying in bed, collapsing the world into me, my bed, my dvd player, and a glass of water. Not wanting to care about anything. Enjoying the unfamiliar situation of being able to shut myself out of the outside world without having to worry about letting anyone know that I'm still alive and breathing. Not having to send an occasional hello to a partner not because I want to, but because I have to, worry about that day being listed in a long list of supposed wrongdoings that women keep, to be used as archives for a future argument.
I am happy. For the first time in so many years, I am able walk my preferred path, and be as spontaneous as I can be. I can be fickle-minded, and let myself be washed away by the spur of the moment. I can spend my spare time in any mundane way that I choose to. Sleep the hours away, play video games 'til my butt gets sore, play the guitar til the wee hours of the morning. Suddenly, I found me.
I found myself, and learned I am lonely. And probably, I have been lonely for several years now, and I just didn't know it. My loneliness was masked by the foolish hope of today's wait bearing fruit tomorrow. For instance, I've forgotten the tingling feeling of a whisper blowing sweet nothings to my ear. And I've forgotten how it is to be weak, with only a pair of loving arms as my source of strength and my shield in times of vulnerability. I looked at the mirror, and I realize, it's difficult to be me.
Tonight, I'll be doing another thing that I've always wanted to do. I'll be watching the stars, hope for one or two of them to fall. Tonight, I'll be sending silent wishes to the stars.
The other day, I spent the whole afternoon lying in bed, collapsing the world into me, my bed, my dvd player, and a glass of water. Not wanting to care about anything. Enjoying the unfamiliar situation of being able to shut myself out of the outside world without having to worry about letting anyone know that I'm still alive and breathing. Not having to send an occasional hello to a partner not because I want to, but because I have to, worry about that day being listed in a long list of supposed wrongdoings that women keep, to be used as archives for a future argument.
I am happy. For the first time in so many years, I am able walk my preferred path, and be as spontaneous as I can be. I can be fickle-minded, and let myself be washed away by the spur of the moment. I can spend my spare time in any mundane way that I choose to. Sleep the hours away, play video games 'til my butt gets sore, play the guitar til the wee hours of the morning. Suddenly, I found me.
I found myself, and learned I am lonely. And probably, I have been lonely for several years now, and I just didn't know it. My loneliness was masked by the foolish hope of today's wait bearing fruit tomorrow. For instance, I've forgotten the tingling feeling of a whisper blowing sweet nothings to my ear. And I've forgotten how it is to be weak, with only a pair of loving arms as my source of strength and my shield in times of vulnerability. I looked at the mirror, and I realize, it's difficult to be me.
Tonight, I'll be doing another thing that I've always wanted to do. I'll be watching the stars, hope for one or two of them to fall. Tonight, I'll be sending silent wishes to the stars.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003
For Ube, who was my light, beacon, and reason.
YOU SHALL BE FREE
Trinidad Tarrosa-Subido
I will not hold you by restraining hands
Nor yet by tears that silently accuse.
You shall be free - like waters on the strands
That come, and go, and tarry, as they choose.
I will not speak of days sweet to remember,
Of lanes we trod through April sun and shower,
Of twilight trysts through early-starred November,
Prolonged each twilight by an evening hour -
No, not a word to hint of that or this,
Lest speaking so, your going I impede.
I will resign myself to all that is -
Like unto sands when cooling waves recede.
O while the strength of seeing love undone
Still stands by me, I pray you, Love, be gone.
YOU SHALL BE FREE
Trinidad Tarrosa-Subido
I will not hold you by restraining hands
Nor yet by tears that silently accuse.
You shall be free - like waters on the strands
That come, and go, and tarry, as they choose.
I will not speak of days sweet to remember,
Of lanes we trod through April sun and shower,
Of twilight trysts through early-starred November,
Prolonged each twilight by an evening hour -
No, not a word to hint of that or this,
Lest speaking so, your going I impede.
I will resign myself to all that is -
Like unto sands when cooling waves recede.
O while the strength of seeing love undone
Still stands by me, I pray you, Love, be gone.
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