Monday, November 11, 2002
Today, I woke up as if it was just another ordinary Monday morning. But half a second later, I was thrown back to my reality.
This day was everything but ordinary.
Today, for the first time in 2 years, I did not wake up to a message wishing me a lovely day ahead. I did not wake up to a reminder that while i was asleep, someone, miles away from me, was thinking of me, holding me close to her heart. Maybe she still does, but this morning, she didn't let me know. For the first time in one hundred and sixteen mondays, I woke up without those loving words to start my week, a busy week that will make me ignore those words, burying myself in that mountain of false reasoning that I'll never have time for the one person who cared for me, neglected or not.
Yesterday, for the first time in years, I cried. I cried as I slowly let her go, watching what was once the one reason I lived, loved, hoped, ached, and burned, slip away, like the grain of memories flowing out of my hands. A cascade of tears, a host of drummers, came charging through my heart, piercing it with the thousand regrets that I have hidden from, run away from, for so many months. Yesterday, I heard the sound of my own cries, echoing deep inside the corners of my soul, in a dungeon where sadness resides, where reason will become its new prisoner.
Last night, my eyes still sore from the battle against remorse, I prayed. Prayed for God to bless my heart. Short of asking Him to tear it away from me, so it will never have to bow to confusion. I asked Him, for a reason. Why put a restless heart, side by side with a mind of a dreamer? What kind of heart have You given me, one that does not seem to know love, one that is cruel, one that is cold. Why was I born a fool, constantly looking at the stars, but could never see when the brightest one looks back at me?
Tonight, I will fall back to my isolation, take refuge in the hope that tomorrow, answers will come to me. I may cry again, that is still uncertain. But I will be alone. And lest my heart be blessed or taken away, this is how my evenings will always be: restless, weary.
This day was everything but ordinary.
Today, for the first time in 2 years, I did not wake up to a message wishing me a lovely day ahead. I did not wake up to a reminder that while i was asleep, someone, miles away from me, was thinking of me, holding me close to her heart. Maybe she still does, but this morning, she didn't let me know. For the first time in one hundred and sixteen mondays, I woke up without those loving words to start my week, a busy week that will make me ignore those words, burying myself in that mountain of false reasoning that I'll never have time for the one person who cared for me, neglected or not.
Yesterday, for the first time in years, I cried. I cried as I slowly let her go, watching what was once the one reason I lived, loved, hoped, ached, and burned, slip away, like the grain of memories flowing out of my hands. A cascade of tears, a host of drummers, came charging through my heart, piercing it with the thousand regrets that I have hidden from, run away from, for so many months. Yesterday, I heard the sound of my own cries, echoing deep inside the corners of my soul, in a dungeon where sadness resides, where reason will become its new prisoner.
Last night, my eyes still sore from the battle against remorse, I prayed. Prayed for God to bless my heart. Short of asking Him to tear it away from me, so it will never have to bow to confusion. I asked Him, for a reason. Why put a restless heart, side by side with a mind of a dreamer? What kind of heart have You given me, one that does not seem to know love, one that is cruel, one that is cold. Why was I born a fool, constantly looking at the stars, but could never see when the brightest one looks back at me?
Tonight, I will fall back to my isolation, take refuge in the hope that tomorrow, answers will come to me. I may cry again, that is still uncertain. But I will be alone. And lest my heart be blessed or taken away, this is how my evenings will always be: restless, weary.
Comments:
